Dressed for Distress

If I were a young Greek hero, I'll tell you what I'd do:
I'd fight off a Kraken and face Poseidon's wrath just to be with you.
If I were a valiant or charming prince, I'll tell you how it'd be:
I'd slay dragons, scale towers, and battle evil witches just to set you free.

If I were a cowboy by the name of Jones, Ill tell you where I'd go:
Down to the sawmills, braving bandsaws and gunslingers just so you would know.
If I were king of the jungle, I'll tell you how I'd arrive:
I'd swing in to conquer apes, and snakes, and dinosaurs, just to keep you alive.

If I were the last of my extraterrestrial race, getting powers from the sun,
I'd battle man, beast, machine, and bald industrialists, just to you'd know you're the one.
If I were a mighty sailor man with a taste for green, leafy plants,
I'd fight to any brute to the finish to save you from his rants.

If I were a plumber, living in the sewers for fun,
I'd jump over mushrooms, and turtles, and dragons all for my hon.
If I were a green-clad elf, living in a fantasy world,
I'd find the best sword and fight a giant pig just to be with my girl.

Personally, I'm glad that my life isn't just a bunch of games,
And that I have you instead of any distressful dames.